Thoughts of the future

Thinking about the future has been bothering me lately. I don't even know what I think right now. I'm struggling to put it into words but I feel that I need to get it out. Last night Rob and I were sort of talking about the future. He doesn't think that I should worry about it so much but I feel that if I don't worry about it, we are going to be in the same place we are now ten years from now. If I don't think about it and figure out what it is I want to do, things will never change. He needs to figure out what he wants to do too. Last night I was at my holiday party for Nanny Circle and one of the girls said that Rob and I need to talk about a lot of things before we get engaged. My first thought was "what more do we really need to talk about?" Well, we have talked about the things she mentioned but I guess we haven't really figured it all out yet. One of the things that is holding us back from getting engaged is money. That is also what worries me about the future, money. We really need to figure out what we are doing in life and start making more money before we get married. I really don't care about having an expensive ring or a huge fancy wedding but I would like to have a nice future. I would like to one day have a house and a family. I don't want to have a family in an apartment and living off of state funding just to feed my kids. I also don't want to wait too long to start a family. I know I'm young, I'm not quite 25 but I would really like to have kids in the next few years. Hell, I'd like to have kids now but I know that is not the best thing right now.

Anyway, I guess where I'm going with this is that I need to make some changes soon. I don't know what I want to do but I want something different. The family that I work for is great and the kids are great but for some reason I am not enjoying it like I should. I know part of the reason is because I am still grieving the loss of my last job, my sweet baby A. Today I had an e-mail from Sarah and she was telling me how at music the other week A stood up at the end of the song and shouted "wee." I miss that. That was supposed to be me there with him. I know she is so happy that she gets to spend all of this time with him and I know he is loving it too and I'm really happy for them both but I really miss him. I was really looking forward to being with them for a while. I was really looking forward to the new baby in March. They said they would offer me my job back when it comes time for Sarah to go back to work. Would it be really horrible of me to leave my new family to go back? I don't want to do that to them. I really don't, they are great people but I feel that if I don't enjoy it 100%, it's not fair to them. On the other hand, I have been thinking of going into something else. I really enjoy being a nanny but how am I ever going to get ahead? How am I ever going to make enough money to have a house and a family? I am barely getting by right now. I need to go back to school but I have two big problems, lack of money, and the fact that I don't know what I want to do. Well, I kind of know what I want to do. I want to have my own home daycare but in order to do that, I need a home. And in order to have a home I need money. So, for now, I need to figure out how to make more money so that I can have a home and have my dream job and my dream family. What to do?